How to Build an Empire

           Start with a kingdom—no, people. Choose who to rule, a loyal people who won’t tell your secrets to the Enemy, and who will always stick by you, no matter what, and never take the Enemy’s side in an argument. Your stuffed animals will do just nicely. Miss Tina the Toad has always wanted to explore the other territories, and Philip the Big Blue Elephant still wants revenge for what the Enemy did to him. And besides, you know you’ll always be their favorite, because they live with you, and if they didn’t like you it would just be awkward.

            Now that you’ve got the Animal Kingdom on your side, you should set some rules—how do you want your kingdom to be run?

           Rule #1: no boys. Well, except for Philip the Elephant and Ralph the Rabbit. They can stay, because this is their home. All other boys are banished immediately—especially your brother’s action figures, because they’re probably spies. Everyone who stays, you gather in a circle on your bed, so you can hold your first council meeting and go over the other rules.

            Rule #2: your bedroom is now your kingdom, and your kingdom has fairies. They’re invisible, but they’re there, so everyone must be respectful, and that’s that. Yes, you’re looking at Ralph. There will be no more eating fairies!

             Rule #3: more rules will be made once the empire is complete—because you want to be fair to all your citizens, even the ones you conquer, and you don’t know what they want yet, so you’ll just have to wait and decide later.

            Once all your citizens know the rules, then it’s time to pull your army together. And yes, Ginny the Giraffe can sit out (she’s never liked war), but you’re going to need Philip’s help. Even if he is injured, he’s still stronger than all the others, com-bined.

            But before you start preparing, you tip-toe down the hallway and peek into the kitchen. Perfect! you think when you see your brother staring clueless at his multiplication tables. Mom is making lunch, so your little brother is struggling, scribbling out another answer. You almost want to help him, but then you remember poor Philip’s torn ear, and you go back to your room to help Ralph rally the troops.

            A tiny thought of your own homework tickles your mind, but you resist it. Now is the time for building the future! History can wait until after the war.

            Ooh—and since an empire is a type of civilization, this should really count as extra credit of some kind! You’ll have to remind Mom of that later…

            For now, back to preparations!

            As soon as your loyal army is ready, you strike—quickly, before the Enemy even knows what’s happening, you march to the other end of the hallway and right into his vulnerable camp. Rope his soldiers with hair-ties and lock his Legos in the waffle-shaped jail in the bottom of the stool, so he will have no help when he gets back.

            And when the Enemy returns, if he tries to break the rules of war by helping his army escape, bribe him into a treaty with the Kit-Kat you got for doing good on your spelling test this morning. It’s a small price to pay for power. When you rule your empire, you can demand all the candy for yourself.

            But two kingdoms are hardly an empire. Now that the Enemy is your ally, you set your sights on your big sister. She’ll never see it coming! And with the help of your brother’s Nerf guns, the queen bed will soon be yours! What a perfect place to rule your new domain!